Saturday, May 16, 2015

I often wonder...who I would be if....



In Spanish we have this saying; “No Hay Hubieras”, meaning there are no “What if´s”. Live your life, as it is, how it came to be and how you grew according to it. Dwelling in what could have been will only make you bitter and afraid to move forward. That’s the way I see it in theory, but I´m the queen of what if´s. What if´s in the past, what if´s in the future, what if´s this afternoon. I have gotten better at it over the years, I´ve learned to just breathe and do my best with what I have and take opportunities that arise so that later, they wont become a “What If.”

But hey, I´m not perfect; I often wonder what my life would be like if I had gone to Art School or if I had gone back to the US. I´m pretty sure I would NOT be who and where I am now.  And I have no regrets, finally. That took a lot of work and acceptance.  And hey, who says I can´t go to Art School anymore? About going back to the US…what for? The world is such a big an amazing place, there´s so much more to explore! OK, I ´d still like to go to New York so I guess I´m just rambling here...

tuesdays at ten, crazy little family adventure


 I also often wonder what I would be like if I didn’t suffer from depression and anxiety, would I be a better mother? Would I be a better wife? I know its hard on the people that love me, I mean really how much can you take of a person being negative all the time even while being in a amazing beautiful place with your closest family.  I will never forget the “whatevers” I have said when asked if I liked dinner, or the view, or the hotel, etc. I will always regret the shoulder shrugs that have bitten away at everyone around me to the point of annoyance and despair. 

I often wonder what it must feel like to be ambitious and a go-getter. I´m so not a leader, I like being taken by the hand and given things. I´ve always just waited for things to fall into my lap, but that makes me feel lazy and full of unaccomplished goals. I often wonder what it would be like to want something and then to go and get it, to simply DO IT.

I often wonder what I would be like if had I not spent 17 years smoking weed all day, everyday.  All the journal pages covered in laments and whines of how I should stop smoking, all the alternative therapies with little while globules or flowery water drops, all the tears of despair and confusion. I often wonder if I would have had the strength to just STOP. I never did. It took living in a place where smoking is freaking hard to do and almost life threatening if caught by the police.

Now I try to stop wondering, and start doing. It’s a completely different mindset.
Wish me luck!