Saturday, July 18, 2015

I don´t own a Smart Phone



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I don't really like talking on the phone 
or on Skype

I am not very good with the usual question, 

"How are you?" 

I usually lie. 

Like today I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack but I would never say that, I'd say "I'm fine". Maybe now that some things have changed and I'm being more truthful, I would come out and say that actually I feel like shit. I'm not sure, I haven't tried. I hate crying on the phone and feeling weak, like I need help or a talk down. The last thing I want to hear is, 



"Why don't you come home?"

That is not the right answer. I need people to tell me things like, "go paint", "go write", "go read a book". Going "back home" will change nothing. I will still feel like shit and I will still have anxiety attacks and I will still hate talking on the phone. But they will still say it, so I don't like talking on the phone.

My dad and stepmom don't read the blog, I think because it's "too much" for them. I get it that they miss me, they are taking care of my teenage daughter, I think she tells them what I write about. I know she reads the blog, and my mom too. That's how I let them know "How I am". I give in to occasional Skype calls but they are very on the surface conversations, and it's mostly about the kids showing off their toys and creations through the webcam.




The Talking Situation

I have a problem with talking in general. I enunciate badly and most of the time get blank stares from whoever I'm trying to talk to. I have a hard time putting ideas together and getting ideas across. If I have somehow managed to get someone to understand something I said, I will instantly feel that they will disagree or misunderstand and I will feel bad for even having said what I just did. 

I have two friends that are like sisters to me. One doesn't read the blog because she has no time (I think) and the other, I have no clue if she reads it or not, I'm not getting any clues either way. One of them hardly every understands what I say, in person or on the phone. 

H says he understands about 30% of what I say and the rest he infers. 

I'm bad at talking and I have low self-esteem so I hate talking on the phone. 

But get me on messenger and I'll chat you up for hours, I like writing. 
I can write for hours on chat. 
HOURS

Just Not Out Loud

I don't like talking on the phone because I don't want to say out loud that I feel like crap. That I'm pretty sure I've had depression for ten years without taking care of it and that the anxiety takes over my voice and my mood more often than mosquitoes bite me.

I don't like talking on the phone because I will most probably cry. I don't like talking on the phone because I don't want anyone hearing me say stuff, especially myself. 


Something Happened

The other day my good friend Julie posted a story on her blog about how when she turns off her computer and her smart phone. most of her friends are "gone". Go read it, it´s an awesome piece. At the end, I really wanted to be able to call her and just chat. I don't have to lie to her, we met through me realizing I had troubles. I've never hid anything from her because that's just the way things roll with us, with truth. 

To actually call her though, took me an entire day. Not only was I a little nervous, I also couldn't figure out how to get my burner phone to call internationally. My little cheap phone for calling taxis and ordering water bottles, was not helping me.

Many hours later, I got through and I talked to Julie on the phone for 20 minutes and it was awesome! 

Got me Thinking about Other Things

When I lived in Peru I had two phones on me at all times, what did I use them for? The Nextel was for work and the other for calling the dealer to bring weed, or call a friend to see if they had weed to go and smoke it, or call home to check up on my daughter, or to talk to my husband about something.

Sure I used to have phone conversations but not really about the things that scare me now, that's probably due to the fact that now I live so far away, and it's all so mysterious. 

I say to them, Go read my blog then! 

Talking to Julie also got me thinking, were the people I knew from work, my "friends"? Were the people I called to smoke, my "friends"? If I could get weed easily here, would I be smoking it? If I went back home, would I slip back into the smoking routine? So many questions......

I can't say I'm cured from my hate of phone calls but at least I know I'd love to chat to Julie again another day. 

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