What is impostor syndrome and why it sucks big time

What is Impostor Syndrome and why it sucks big time

“An Expat Mom Blog written for Alternative Families 
who Worldschool their kids through Travel and Art”
That’s the motto I use up there in the header see?

Lately there hasn’t been much of that going on. Sometimes life gets weird, and things turn tough emotionally. A lot of the time I get overwhelmed and feel like I’m not good enough. It’s during these moments that I am attacked by Impostor Syndrome, a horribly nerve wracking situation that freezes all creativity and writing momentum.

So what exactly is it? This is what wikipedia has to say;

“Impostor Syndrome is a term coined in the 1970s by psychologists and researchers to informally describe people who are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. Notably, impostor syndrome is particularly common among high-achieving women.”

Here I am, bearing it all knowing that I am not the only that this happens to. I am positive some of you out there suffer from the same debilitating feeling and if my experience can help one person get out of the funk, then today will be a good day.

How do we educate the kiddos?

Educating our kids is one of the hardest things to do, always questioning ourselves if we are doing it right, if they will grow up to be good people, especially if one of us suffers from emotional troubles.

I personally believe in Worldschooling as the best way to educate our kids, every single minute of the day. But yet, a bunch of the time I don’t feel like educating anyone. I let the kids watch too many videos or I let them make a mess of the toys without really playing or doing anything educational, not even art.

We have watched day long marathons of Peppa Pig and recently we discovered a new show by the same artists called Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom and they are stuck on that now. I have tried using the videos to talk about things they could learn but I haven’t been very successful. What they have been doing, is speaking a lot of English.
They go to school now, which is a double sided sword for me. They are learning stuff, four hours a day so why do they need more? They might not, but I’m sure they can benefit from more directed art at home with me. Like we used to do when we homeschooled. We have not done anything apart from messy paint lately and it just makes me feel like a total fraud, like I’m failing them.

Faking it?

I haven’t been writing on here very much at all and that has taken a toll on me. I punish myself by not writing, thinking that it should have a purpose and there is no point in doing it if isn’t going to be read. Isn’t that what blogging is about? Writing to be read?

The main topic on my blog is Worldschooling, and for months I haven’t been doing much of that at all, making me feel like a total fraud. There I was writing about educating kids through travel and art while mine watched movies back to back. One day I realized I was in the middle of an Impostor Syndrome attack. It isn’t really something new with me, I am pretty sure it has been happening my entire life. Felling like a fraudulent artist, makeup artist, mom, wife, even a fraudulent woman. It can attack every aspect of your existence.

This is the first time I look Impostor Syndrome in the face. Never before have I been conscious of what was happening. Never before have I sat down to think about it, let alone write about it. I am great at dwelling in the dark hole. At least now I know how I got here and I’m taking the first steps towards getting around it.

How did I get here?  How do I get out?

What have I been doing these past few months instead of blogging then?

I have been keeping busy with Mommitment, Have your Cupcake, and the International Bloggers Association. I have been making all kinds of graphics, mastering the art of Canva. I have been managing three instagram accounts, I have published a linkup post, I manage two FB pages and I’m part of team management of another page and a group. I have been making logos, and pdf´s and video thumbnails.

But I have not been writing on my blog. When I fell into this deep dark pit of blogging despair I had just written four of the best articles my blog had ever seen, I was getting some great attention and many new followers. My “What is Worldschooling” article has over 6000 views as of today and it just keeps climbing. I had great ideas about courses, challenges, printable pdf´s and more articles about Worldschooling.

That was when it hit me, the Impostor Syndrome Tsunami. I stopped writing, I fell behind with my Have your Cupcake courses, We began the Peppa Pig marathons, the game room fell completely into disarray, my cooking got boring and the anxiety attacks started up again. After the first couple of those I forced myself write, I wrote a lot, but its just not stuff I’ll post on here. After I vomited all those words I got writer’s hangover and the Impostor Syndrome got worse.

Two months passed, keeping busy or falling asleep in the afternoons while the kids watched videos and movies. My emotional state went downhill, and fast. Anxiety attacks came closer and closer together. Some days were pretty lucid though, and on one of those days I realized I had to get back on the blog. The blog is my lifeboat, this blog is my salvation. The people I have met through my writing are the ones that will have my back, and I love them for it.

I asked for help and I got support. The communities I am part of are what have helped bring me up to the surface again. It’s all about the words, it’s all about the words I have to write. I have so much to say and I just have to believe that my words matter, that my words will help others.

I have to believe in myself and next time I will stop Impostor Syndrome in its tracks. Now let´s get back to all my Worldschooling plans!

I’d like to thank the 22 people that answered the survey I wrote up as part of my Have your Cupcake lessons, you have shown me that I am on the right track with my blog, that I just have to put some energy into it.

I hope to not stop writing ever again….but I probably will…cause you know, life.